You got a friend…

One of my first suggestions for building a worry-resilient lifestyle is to have a healthy, supportive community around you. Of course it’s ideal to have real people close by that you can turn to, have a cup of tea with and who can give you a hug if you need one. If we have family and friends like this then we are lucky, but sometimes we need to look further afield either because we don’t have many people we are close to or because they are not the ideal ones to help us overcome worry. Social media, used sensibly, means we can reach out to supportive and compassionate friends who understand what we are trying to achieve.

What do I mean by supportive and compassionate? Well, while it is always nice to have people to provide what, in England, we call ‘tea and sympathy,’ too much sympathy can be unhelpful. I am fortunate to have a large group of very positive friends who are full of love and laughter and know that the last thing I want is to talk about my problems for ages. But I have, in the past, found myself in social circles that could well be described as ‘worry groups’ – where you get together, talk over your problems, feel even more sorry for yourself than you did before, and then meet the next week or month and do it all again! It doesn’t help; in fact it cancement the problems and the negativity even more firmly.

Over the last couple of years, I have also built up an online network of positive, spiritual people all over the world. Only this morning, I heard some ladies at the gym saying how dreadful Facebook is, and how it is full of people slagging each other off. I didn’t get involved (well done H!) but my view is this: social media including Facebook and Twitter, like any social situation, consists of what you bring to it. If you bring negativity, gossip and complaining, that is what you will get. If, on the other hand, you bring trust, support and positivity, you will find a treasure trove that is there for you any time of the day or night.

Personally, I think that if you are going to create a really strong community to help you let go of worry, it’s a good idea to combine people who are close by, whom you can see face to face and speak to on the ‘phone, with online contacts. That way, if you can’t speak to someone close by because it’s the middle of the night, or everyone is at work, you can still reach out. And an online network will be more varied, including people with all sorts of expertise and experience, so that whatever your situation you will find someone who understands.

For me the term community also includes the experts we might call on in a crisis, or to help with an on-going issue. Sometimes these are professional problem-solvers, such as lawyers, accountants, builders, doctors, the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, etc. People who know about the issue you are having trouble with. And sometimes they are experts on you, such as therapists, coaches and counsellors, who can help and support you while you address painful issues or troublesome emotions. Naturally, you will research carefully and listen to recommendations, as well as having a good long discussion with a potential expert, before engaging their services. And if you have a gut feeling that something is not quite right, even if you are talking to a lawyer or a builder, listen to that feeling; it means something, and possibly this isn’t the right person for you.

Finally, but just as important, if your problem or your reaction to your problem is in any way related to addiction, you need to know that the Twelve Step Fellowships (AA, Al-Anon, NA, GA, OA etc) are there for you with non-judgmental support and advice. They don’t employ professional counsellors so everyone who is there to help has been through their own addiction journey.

All this may seem like common sense and of course it is, but this is the thing: if we are going to put together a lifestyle that supports our decision to let go of compulsive worry, we need to be thorough about it and we need to question each aspect of our lives. Rather than taking for granted that I have lots of friends and plenty of contacts, so it must be fine, I need to ask myself, ‘do I have all the support I need? Am I unconsciously attending a worry group? Is there some further support that could help me?’