Domestic violence – can we talk about it?

In the UK, one in four women are abused by a partner at some point in their life. Think about how many women you know. Quite a few? Then let’s agree that it’s likely that some of them are in an abusive relationship right now and you don’t know about it. If you are a woman and reading this, there is a one in four chance that you have been, are, or will be in an abusive relationship. So how is it that this subject is so little talked about, if it’s so widespread?

I am one of those one in four. I’ve been in an abusive relationship, survived and recovered. And I’m here to talk about it. I won’t go into details about who, what and where, as I want to preserve my family’s privacy, but I can certainly describe, with authority, various kinds of abuse and their effects. I understand why women stay in abusive, violent relationships, don’t report the abuse, and protect the abuser. Put very simply, it’s something like love (however misguided), shame and fear on the inside, and a huge and dangerous stigma on the outside, which results in a recipe for long term disaster.

What can we do? Well, most of us can do something today: start to talk about domestic abuse. I say “most of us” because there are many women for whom it is too dangerous to talk, and some for whom it’s too soon after the trauma of leaving a relationship. And there are many, many children who just can’t take the risk. But some of us can shoulder the responsibility.

How do we do it? I agree, it’s not easy to start a discussion about such a stigmatised subject. I’d like to offer one suggestion. Personally, I tend to use the term “domestic abuse” rather than “domestic violence”. Horrific as it is, the word “violence” tends to conjure up a one-dimensional image of a man punching a woman, who ends up with a black eye. Of course this happens, tragically often. But it is by no means the only kind of abuse. Verbal, emotional and financial abuse are all extremely damaging and none of us should put up with this type of treatment, but it is all too easy for a woman who is subject to such behaviour to think “well, he doesn’t hit me, so it can’t be that bad”. So I prefer the inclusive word, “abuse”, and it’s really helpful to think about a broad spectrum of abusive behaviour in relationships.

For my part, I will continue to talk about this subject and, from now, will be blogging about it again. I’ll talk about the different kinds of abuse, what happens to a woman in this sort of relationship, and what more I think we can do. I won’t criticise men; I won’t be negative or angry; I won’t resort to platitudes. Because I’ve been there, I know what doesn’t work!

Meanwhile, if you’d like to find out more, have a look at Refuge’s page on Early Warning Signs, and have a good think. For help or emergencies, phone the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.