Saturday’s Guardian published an extract from Oliver Burkeman’s book “The Antidote: Happiness for People who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jun/15/happiness-is-being-a-loser-burkeman). I’m not drawn to read the book, and, if I did, I’m sure I would disagree with a lot of it. But one comment resonated with me. He says “…there is a greater correlation between perfectionism and suicide, researchers have found, than between feelings of hopelessness and suicide”.
Perfectionism is a bigger factor in suicide than feelings of hopelessness. Takes a minute to sink in, doesn’t it? I do know, from 49 years of personal experience, that being a perfectionist is always uncomfortable, often painful and makes it hard to feel contented and fulfilled. I’m not alone; I have perfectionist friends with whom I’ve often complained about the weight of this burden. The legal profession in particular seems to attract perfectionists, as we are always striving to “get it right”, but the cruel twist is that, if you are a lawyer, there is also always someone trying to show that you are wrong, and often to proclaim this in public.
So for a few years now I’ve been looking for ways to recover from my perfectionism, or at least to keep it from running my life. Logic and rationalisation are no use at all. I know that it’s crazy to have to get everything right, not to say impossible, but I have conditioning, or beliefs, much deeper than that intellectual knowledge, that tell me I must not fail. Of course it helps to read books, listen to experts, and learn what the problem is, but I believe the answer lies in ACTION.
My antidote to perfectionism is play. I didn’t know it at the time, but this all started for me a few years ago when I began to exercise very regularly. I never liked PE at school, partly because I was much smaller than everyone else, and also, naturally, because I am a perfectionist and tend to be academic. I’m not co-ordinated, I’m not fast, and I can’t catch a ball. So my characteristic reaction was to avoid, and dislike, doing something I couldn’t excel at. 30 years later, I see it differently. Most people who run, run faster than I do, but I absolutely love my running, and I really enjoy entering events, as long as I don’t come last (I’ve been close, and it’s particularly good for one’s ego to be overtaken by all manner of farmyard animals, people dressed as postboxes etc etc). I did boxercise, with gloves and everything, for a while and that was super fun. These days I do a variety of classes, some of which are uncannily similar to PE lessons. I don’t do dance – that’s a step too far for me and I just can’t make it fun. Too frustrating. But what I’ve learned to do is let go of the drive to achieve and the fear of looking ridiculous, and just enjoy the activity, enjoy being average.
I didn’t realise that what I was doing when exercising was playing until I attended a giggle workshop run by www.giggletogether.co.uk. I posted about this a while ago. It was after this that I started to think more seriously about play for adults. No, not that sort of play, this is the kind of thing kids do, for fun. I don’t know the theory, but I do know that play is about having a go, letting go of expectations, being in the moment and finding joy. And we can bring a playful attitude to so much of life. When I bake, it’s play; I’m not that good at it, and I don’t get at all upset if it turns out wrong. I just enjoy the measuring and mixing and the creativity. I have friends who draw, lots of friends and family who play music, and I also know quite a few children who haven’t lost the knack – they’ll do anything that looks like fun! Neither does play have to be limited to days off; check out http://www.screwworkletsplay.com – you can make a living doing this!
I wish I’d known about the power of play to undermine perfectionism a long time ago, but maybe you need to reach a certain age to be willing to give it a try. I’ve spent enough of my life being earnest; I think I’ll save it for special occasions now! I’m still a perfectionist and I still worry about getting things wrong, but less so. The more I incorporate this playful attitude into my life, the less seriously I take myself and the happier I am.
