Back in the hotel after my magical memory day and the evening reliving my school days, I wrote this in my notebook:
‘…I realise that I feel I belong much more here…I do feel I belong here. Not sure where ”here” is precisely, whether it’s Malaysia, KL, Asia or just where I grew up…’
Belonging is not the same as fitting in. I arrived at my understanding of ‘belonging’ after reading Brené Brown, whose books have been an inspiration to me. Whereas fitting in is the desire to be the same as others, to conform to some sort of external ideal, belonging is the sense of acceptance that we have when we know we are entitled to exist, that we have a place, not just despite our uniqueness but because of it. I belong because I am me, a unique recipe, different from everyone else. I am a one-off and so is my contribution to the world.
It has taken me many years to cultivate a sense of belonging in the UK. At first, I neither fitted in nor belonged. Gradually, as I grew older and got to know myself better, I realised that I didn’t need to reach any sort of ideal in order to be accepted. I started to sense that I belonged, just because I was me, in certain communities. Now, having lived in my village for over 20 years, I know that I belong here. I feel connected to the countryside around my home and to the life of the village itself. But it has taken time.
I was so surprised, however, when I returned to Malaysia, to feel a deep sense of belonging straight away. Despite not recognising the city, despite having been away so long, despite having travelled so far, I felt as comfortable everywhere as I do in my own home. There was no anxiety, no insecurity and no feeling of being somewhere ‘foreign.’ Tentatively, I am putting this down to having spent six of the most formative years of my life in the country.
This last Friday night, I caught a few minutes of Sarah Vine talking on Radio Four about moving to England having grown up in Italy. She said something to the effect that, although she was entitled to live in the UK, she didn’t feel as if she belonged and she didn’t resonate with the country as she did with Italy. Resonate. That’s an idea that is still rolling around in my head. I am wondering how it applies to me and my relationship with Malaysia. I have another 17 days of this challenge to explore such ideas so I may well make some progress with that before I am done!
Where do you belong?
Being an ex boarding school girl myself, living away from the country and moving to the city as an adult and now being an ex pat here in Scotland, I do understand your thoughts. I agree that a sense of belonging is just your own personal acceptance of your circumstances. In my opinion, a feeling of belonging is just when you’re at peace with your environment and this could be in more than one place. I get a sense of peace when I am on the road, driving through country Australia, or standing by a cliff, looking out to the ocean (anywhere in the world), or when I’m getting a hug from my husband or son. I also feel the same feeling when I spend time with my pets (past & present). Every time I visit Paris, I suddenly feel right at home, as though I was once a ‘Parisian’. So, for me, belonging is just feeling at ease and happy. Fitting in, is sometimes what we just have to do to survive our environment, but doing this without losing sight of what makes us tick, is the key! Glad you’ve had such a great revisit to Asia. Happy travels.
Thank you for your thoughts and experiences. I love the way you describe being at peace with your environment. And the importance of not losing what ‘makes us tick.’ So happy you took the time to comment. :-)
You’re very welcome. :)
Belonging to a place. The only sense of belonging somewhere for me is knowing I belong near the sea and also the home that we are now in. That sense of belonging that I had when I first walked through the door with the estate agent and despite the vast amount of work that it needs I still had that sense it we were meant to live here.
I get that sense with relationships too – knowing I belong in a group or definitely do not – if it can be used in that way. Great think to ponder on a Sunday xx
Thanks Nadine. I had that feeling when I walked into the house I live in now. You have made me think a little further about what it is exactly I am talking about belonging to, and I suspect what I really mean is the country as a whole, not just the actual place but the society, the way people behave and communicate, the energy and atmosphere. Really helpful, thanks. x
The subject of belonging is a huge one for me. Having lived in various countries for 30 + years I never felt a sense of belonging until I lived in Australia. It was a feeling in the earth that is so difficult to describe. Now I am back in my ‘home’ country the UK for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t yet have a sense of belonging. I think it has a lot to do with the people we interact with. You are so right there is a bog difference between fitting in and belonging. I feel I can fit in anywhere, but belonging is a deeper feeling, a sense of I will be OK maybe?
How very interesting and helpful Kama. Yes, there is something to do with connection with the earth for me and also the people. Not necessarily specific individuals. And the feeling of I will be ok is significant. I will be looking at this more in the next couple of weeks.
I look forward to reading more on this topic … PS. That should read big not bog lol … oops :)
It really is a great read to follow this journey for you, physically and mentally!
For me I think I can say I feel at home in the world of performing – whether that’s comedy, drumming, panto or public speaking.
Part of it is that I can hide in the pretend world of performance, part of it is being around others who feel the same, and part of it is that I was brought up watching light entertainment and listening to music so it just feels ‘right’!
Yet another prompt for a new article myself, so thanks again and keep up the great writing!
G
Wow thank you for your comment and your personal experience Gordon. Isn’t it good to understand what is right for us and what feels right? I look forward to the article that comes from this!