Most of us feel resentful sometimes. When we have a big problem, it is very likely that resentment will be one of the difficult emotions we have to deal with. So, what is resentment? This is how it was first explained to me years ago: “Resentment is like having one minute of bad news and 23 hours, 59 minutes of replay…replay…replay…”. My definition of resentment now is any negative feeling that persists after the initial cause of that feeling has gone away. It doesn’t have to be anger; resentment can be based in any sort of pain, sorrow, self pity or blame.
Any difficult situation or big problem is painful and draining, but the great news is that we do have control over one very specific aspect: any resentment we may be feeling. These uncomfortable thoughts and feelings may be the ones we want to hold on to most, as they can be quite addictive, but believe me, it is well worth working to let go. You will feel freer, more energised and more at peace.
So how do we do it? Real expertise in dealing with resentment can be found in the 12 step fellowships (AA, NA, Al-Anon etc) and resentment certainly does play a big part in addictive illnesses. But you don’t have to be an addict to suffer from resentment, and you don’t have to be a recovering addict to learn how to let go of it.
My own experience during most of my adult life has taught me that the first stage is to be willing to let go of blame. First I need to be sure I know what the bad feeling is about, and to whom or what it is directed. Because I love writing and find it easy, I usually do this with pen and paper. In my current painful situation, I have written a lot and this has helped me to clarify the causes of my hurt. Then comes the hard bit: I need to switch my attention away from the person or thing that has hurt me and focus on myself. Let go of blame. What have I done in this situation which has contributed to my pain? Often, in my case, I have been afraid, and often, once I am afraid, I become dishonest to some degree. So I have to look at this squarely and accept that this behaviour is helping me to hang on to the painful, destructive feelings, but, importantly, without starting to blame myself because that is just the same destructive feeling pointed in a different direction. Finally, I usually share my findings with a trusted friend and I always find that things have improved. Sometimes only slightly, but always the change is in the right direction. Talking always helps as long as the person we are discussing things with understands what we are doing and isn’t going to sympathise with us and undermine our attempts to let go of blame.
If I need to do more work on the negative feelings I know exactly what to do. In my case I pray for the person (usually) or whatever has hurt me. Every day for quite a while. It works, because it changes my attitude, and if my attitude changes then my whole experience of life changes. If you find it difficult to pray, it is perfectly possible to wish for good things for that person, or for peace, or for their problems to diminish.
With the issues I have going on at the moment, I have a few people I could feel very angry towards. If I let this go on, it would eat me up, drain me of energy, and make me bitter and ill. What I try to do, not always perfectly, is send positive feelings whenever I do think about them, and refuse to let my mind revel in analysing and judging them. I promise that this makes a huge difference. It’s my choice: do I want to suffer as much as I possibly can from my problem, at the mercy both of the things I can’t change and the things I can, or do I want to get to grips as much as possible with improvements I can make, thereby reducing the pain as far as I can and allowing myself to live a full and mostly joyful life despite the difficulties? No brainer really. And please comment and share if you have your own strategies to deal with those pesky resentments!
