Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash
Isn’t it great when you really feel someone is listening to you? You know, those times, with those people, when you can talk for as long as you need to, when you feel you have really been heard. When we are stressed or anxious, the comfort of a listening ear is sometimes all we need.
Good listeners are also good workers. If we know how to listen properly, to ask questions so we are clear about everything, and respond to show we have understood, we are well placed to take instructions, manage people, negotiate and mediate.
We can work to become better listeners but the most valuable thing is to know what it means to be heard, ourselves. This is where we, as parents, come in. Taking time to listen to our children, really listen, not only helps and supports them with whatever is going on but also teaches them the fundamentals of listening, so that they can begin to be good listeners themselves.
Why am I talking about listening now?
We find ourselves in challenging times and we may be feeling stressed, anxious or confused ourselves. Worried about the health of our families, our finances, just managing everything. And if we adults are feeling uncomfortable, with our ability to research, analyse, process and balance information, it’s likely our young people are, too. But they may not just come out and tell us they don’t feel great. We might see changes in behaviour, lack of attentiveness or sleepiness.
This post isn’t about child psychology or mental health, though. As a former home educator and a former lawyer who worked frequently with young people in custody, I have a range of experience around listening to teenagers. Here are a few things I learned.
- In a school setting there often isn’t enough time for teachers to listen as much – or for as long – as they would like. If, temporarily, you are facilitating your child’s education you may have that time. This could be an opportunity for you to find out about struggles your child is having with certain subjects, or about what they would really love to do.
- When we are home educating, one of the simplest things we can do is ask questions. I used to ask my son, after a project or an outing, or any notable experience, what he liked and disliked about it and what he learned. He came to expect those questions and they often led to great conversations.
- Sometimes it really helps to be engaged in a task together. For example, if you are cooking, gardening or doing a jigsaw, not necessarily looking at each other, teenagers in particular may find it easier to open up. This also applies to walking together and driving, but right now those activities are limited and therefore less relevant.
- If you are giving your child more time to talk, and listening to them without judgment or interrupting, you may hear something you don’t want to. You may then instinctively want to shut down the conversation. This is natural; we don’t like to think of our child struggling or being unhappy. Remember that this shows they trust you and allows you to provide support, if they want it.
- Listening doesn’t have to be about serious stuff. If young people, children in particular, are willing to talk then it is worth giving them lots of listening time, whatever the subject. One of my nephews used to describe the plots of films when he was primary school age. In minute detail. If you have time to listen, even if it’s to a blow-by-blow account of a movie you know well, that time is well spent.
Just a few ideas. We all need to feel connected and supported, right now. Taking time to listen, to our children, our friends and relatives, and asking for a listening ear ourselves if we need it, could just make a difference.
