Lonely…or just alone

Today I was supposed to be at two separate events. The first was the Running for Women 8k which is a fabulous event held annually in Windsor Great Park. The other one, which I had declined since I was due to take part in the run, was my friend and mentor Lisa Clark’s book signing for her new title, Sassy: the Go-for-It Girl’s Guide to becoming Mistress of your Destiny. The latter was to be held in Southampton and I am now grown-up enough to know that I couldn’t be in both Windsor and Southampton in one day, especially if that day had to start and end in Essex!

As it turned out, I had to make the decision yesterday not to go anywhere so far from home, as I haven’t been too well and I knew all that driving wouldn’t be good for me. This is real, serious grown-upness and I am rather impressed with myself that I could be so sensible!

So what I ended up doing today was reminiscent of Sex and the City, but in a rural Essex sort of way. Spending several hours in the coffee shop of our local garden centre in excellent female company, discussing a huge number of important topics and generally putting the world to rights with added intrigue and much hilarity. This was also the origin of today’s blog post subject. “Do one on the difference between being alone and being lonely”. Ever conscientious about following instructions, here I am, writing said post.

Having spent some time musing about my own single state and my contentedness with it, I decided to look both terms up in my Concise Oxford Dictionary, to get some kind of direction with this. It defines alone as “not with others, standing by oneself”, and lonely as “solitary, companionless, isolated … sad because without friends or company”. This was helpful. Obviously the big difference between the two is the sadness. We can be alone and happy, in which case we are just alone, or we can be alone and sad, in which case we are lonely.

I am an expert on being alone and I really like it. I’ve been single – I mean really, properly single, no dates, nothing – for over eight years now. I’ve always liked my own company, and needed, in order to stay sane, to have regular solitary time. But most of my adult life up to my early 40s had been spent either married or in a relationship. In the last eight years I have found out how to be alone, not just sometimes, but as a status. Of course, I live with a teenage boy, which means that my house is rarely empty, and I have lots and lots of lovely people in my life. Sometimes I feel guilty about how many friends I have!

People have stopped asking, “how’s your love life?” and now I think most people who know me are used to my single state. I love my life, I like being me, and there is very little I would like to change. How lucky am I?!

What I don’t experience, and can’t remember experiencing, is that sadness about being alone that turns it into loneliness. Well, to be absolutely honest, there are times when it’s hard to be alone, such as when I feel burdened by financial worries or if I have to go to a hospital appointment and it would be nice to share things with a partner, but these are fleeting moments, and rare. Acceptance and gratitude deal with these times, and with the occasional wistfulness about not having someone to go to concerts or on holiday with. But, to be honest, if I really want to go, I go on my own.

So what this is boiling down to is that the problem with loneliness is the sadness we feel about being alone. I’m not an expert on sadness although, like everyone on the planet, I have felt it and sometimes it’s been overwhelming. I do know a few things about it, though. First of all, it always either goes away completely or finds a comfortable little nook to live in where it rarely bothers you. My mother says “grief never goes away but it learns to behave itself”. If we are overwhelmed by sadness, we can feel confident that this strength of feeling will not last for ever. The other thing I know is that it is very important to acknowledge and feel sadness so it doesn’t turn into something else. Sadness is OK, it’s part of the human condition and it can’t damage us, although it may hurt a bit for a while. But if we deny it and let it turn into resentment, self-pity or depression, then these afflictions can damage us. Resentment and self-pity often co-exist with addictions, and we all know what a horrible condition depression is. It’s OK to feel the sadness, breathe with it, talk about it to people we trust, write about it, whatever helps. Just don’t push it away; let it drift off when it is ready.

I can’t promise that I won’t feel lonely when the Teenager finally flies the nest to play music in some metropolis, that my solitary state won’t bring some sadness. But I hope that if this happens I will remember how much I like my own company and how many wonderful friends I have. If I change my Facebook status from “single” to something else one day, I hope it’s not because I’m feeling lonely, but because I’ve made a positive choice. Ooooh, this is all a bit heart on my sleeve – I think I’ll go back to blogging about my dog tomorrow!