During the week I was listening to Lucie Bradbury on one of the CDs from her “Feminine Way” course. Lucie is an expert on feminine energy and the founder of Damsels in Success (www.damselsinsuccess.co.uk ). She talks about the importance of women putting themselves first, taking care of their own needs, in order to be able to care for their families. At its simplest, this concept can be understood through the oxygen mask analogy. We all know that they tell us before a flight takes off to put on our own oxygen mask before putting one on our kids. The reason being that if we are unconscious we are no use to anyone. My own mother now remembers how, when my brother and I were young, and we were in an ancient plane hurtling towards the ground somewhere in the Middle East, she instinctively ignored all this and fitted our masks first. Luckily we were all ok (by the way that’s another story and please be reassured if you are of a nervous disposition, this was 1975!!).
While I was listening to Lucie explaining the importance of our own self care as parents, I reflected on my journey as a parent from completely ignoring myself to my current approach. These days I live my own life, nurture myself and always, always, keep in mind what I need in order to be well physically mentally and spiritually. I’ve come a long way.
I’ve been a single parent for 10 years, and my son is now 16. Now, I fully concede that it is easier to recognise and meet your own needs (to have needs!) when you are the parent of a teenager than when you have small children. I have been that woman in a dressing gown at 6.30pm, just remembering that I haven’t yet cleaned my teeth and I’d really like to do it if the baby would just stop feeding/crying/needing to be changed for five minutes! But…..what I have learned is an attitude rather than any prescribed action. It’s a re-arranging of priorities, of course incorporating an incredible amount of open-mindedness and flexibility so that you don’t get resentful when your plan for a nice bath once the kids are asleep is scuppered by someone’s tummy-ache.
It’s a lot more than a nice bath every now and then, though. I am lucky enough, as the result of circumstances which would generally be viewed as unwanted, to have received a lot of help from our local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) and other agencies. I remember the moment a child psychologist impressed on me the importance of concentrating on my own life; I remember this because it shows me that I didn’t always do this – no-one needs to tell me now! Our family therapist has helped me over the past few years to work very hard on my own relationships, including with myself. Take it from me: we can help our children deal with difficult issues solely through work on ourselves. This is not to be underestimated.
My real turning point, however, was a 10 week parenting course designed for parents of teenagers, run by The Ministry of Parenting (www.theministryofparenting.com). This was a wonderful experience for me, which I described in detail in an earlier post. Probably the most important thing I learned was this: you cannot control your teenager, but the best way to have influence on him or her is to work on the quality of your relationship, and you do this by spending time with them doing something they want to do. What a relief! And we all know that to have a good relationship you need to take care of yourself (don’t we?). Who wants to have a relationship with a worn out, uninteresting person?
So here I am. Today, I would still give my life for my child. Indeed, in the past few years I have made changes which many people would consider huge sacrifices, but to me are choices for our mutual wellbeing. But when I wake up in the morning my first thought is my own wellbeing, through my spiritual practices, exercise and nutrition, and as the day progresses, through my work. I am a better mother and a nicer person to live with when I care for myself first.
In a nutshell, I think that there are three huge reasons to adopt this attitude:
1. As I’ve already said, you can actually improve the mental and emotional wellbeing of your child by nurturing your own (this is especially relevant with issues like attachment, but I am not a psychologist and my understanding is very limited: I don’t teach this stuff, I just practice it!).
2. You can’t expect your child to value or respect you if you don’t value and respect yourself first. Single parents particularly.
3. You always want the best for your child. While they live with you, you can care for them. But you want them to be able to care for themselves when they are grown up. To deal well with stress, to rest, take care of their health, to have fun with their family. And the very best way for them to learn this is to experience you doing it for yourself.
I was going to apologise for giving advice. I’m not keen on it. I’ve decided not to, however, because I believe in this so passionately. I know how important it is and I also know that it’s not the way we are conditioned to approach our role. I love being a mum, I love my life and it’s not because the external conditions of my existence are brilliant – they’re not. It’s because I do this stuff.
We live in a culture where, because of our gender, women are seen as naturalised carers, that it is inherent within us to put the needs of our familes before ourselves. We are taught this through the generations. We experience our own mothers laying themselves on the sacrificial altar of family. It is a hard and painful cycle to break.
Like you, I hit a rock bottom and had to make significant changes. At first my sons wre angry and confused. They didn’ t recognise this new mother. But today, my sons are in their twenties and they make my heart sing. They are independent, confident men.
I have given them an example of a strong independent woman, that if we care for ourselves, then we save others the trouble of doing so.
Sommany of us can become trapped in co-dependency with our children,