Today our topic is perfectionism. Or thereabouts. Oh dear, perfectionism, what a trial that used to be! I allowed perfectionism, and its attendant functions of fear of failure, procrastination and dissatisfaction to rule my life for many years. It wasn’t much fun and it wasn’t peaceful.
A few years ago, I finally recognised the impossible trap I had placed myself in and decided to try and let go of perfectionism. I could continue to be conscientious, caring and even disciplined, but at last I could see clearly that this vision of a perfect life, perfect achievement and perfect everything that I had held up as my goal was making me miserable. All of those goals were impossible so, if I kept heading for them, I was always going to be like a donkey following a carrot on a stick and never reaching it.
Realising this situation intellectually and actually making associated changes are two very different things, though. Luckily I am like a sponge when it comes to the wisdom and experience of others so I read lots of books and blogs and listened to other, wiser people. I also wrote and wrote about perfectionism. I wrote about how my understanding had become clearer and what I wanted to change, and I wrote about the tricks I had learned and the changes that occurred.
Last year I decided that it would be ok for me to be unreliable sometimes. If I didn’t reply to an email or text, or if I was late, that didn’t make me an awful person. It made me human. It also meant I became a little bit more laid back and relaxed which is a good thing.
I have known for a long time that it’s the process of judgment that results in perfectionism and if we resign from being a judge, of ourselves as much as of others and situations, we can just allow things to be. And, again, knowing this and understanding it fully by living it are very different things. Mind Calm Meditation has helped me make that important transition.
Eckhart Tolle said, ‘The reason we know everything is perfect is because it is happening.’
I heard this; I understood the truth in it but for a while my understanding was purely intellectual. I continued to meditate, however, and to resign from judging as much as possible even when my mind wanted to continue to judge, just watching it do that by itself.
Then one day during the week I was walking through the countryside where I live and I really sensed the perfection of existence. I came home and wrote this as my Facebook status:
Everything is exactly as it is. And because it is, it is perfect. It can’t be any other way.
I can’t explain exactly how I got there because it’s not to do with language or intellect. It’s about living more in my own conscious awareness and less in my thoughts (there we are – back to thinking less again!).
But this is my experience. I know now that perfection, for me, is not about things being the way I want them to be. It is about them being. I have changed my definition of perfection and the new one is a dream to live with. Of course I want to do things well and to do quite a lot of things. Of course I want the world, and especially the world around me, to be as I want it to be. But those things are just the judgment of my mind, and what does it know, really? And if something is, right now, whatever it is, it is perfect, just for now.
Phew, what a relief! I have given up, most of the time, striving for the old ‘perfect,’ but I achieve my new definition of ‘perfect’ just by existing. It feels good!
Harriet, this is a great post! I am also such a perfectionist, and I realize how it has held me back from enjoying life. Thanks for the thought provoking post :-)
Ah thanks, I wish you luck in your journey :-)
That journey from perfectionism to being yourself can be mighty painful. Done that as well. So much happier on this side of the fence.
Yes it can, but how worthwhile! Thank you for your comment Mary. :-)
I was a selective perfectionist. Parts of my life were and still have to be as perfect as I feel they should be but other aspects of my life are joyfully un perfect.
Notice that the term joyfully only goes with the un perfect bits.
I passed my 11+ a year early and did so well that I ended up going to a very academic girls grammar miles from where I lived. That’s where the perfectionism started. Uniforms had to be perfect, manners had to be perfect and academically we had to be perfect. The school motto was ‘strive for perfection in all things’.
What a blooming set up that was.
The bit of my life where it stuck for me was academically and in my approach to work. The latter has been positive, my application has built me a reputation and a career that affords me flexibility and a good income.
However, the strive for academic perfection has at times nearly killed me with stress and anxiety. I am bright, I work hard but I am not a naturally gifted academic. This means to get the grades I feel I should get, I have disappeared down the rabbit hole like Alice, shutting out the rest of life completely. Not too much of a problem when younger but I am in a profession where continuous studying is de rigeur in order to keep my professional registration and memberships.
Then about ten years ago, an amazing lady who was mentoring me introduced me to the concept of ‘good enough’. She said, having a family and a life was more important than getting a distinction. Such wise words and i had never worked it our for myself.
I still go the extra mile on the work front, but when it comes to the cpd aspect, I now adopt the adult concept of ‘good enough’.
It is liberating, just as you describe in your post.
Thank you for the opportunity to afford a platform for me to reflect on this.
Juliana x
Thank you so much for sharing your reflections, Juliana. We have a lot in common, although I can’t say that my academic perfectionism came from the hotchpotch mixture of schools I went to. I have only just allowed myself to attain the reduced number of CPD hours that I need because I work part time – for several years I still strove to achieve the maximum number that someone working full time must clock up! It seemed that nothing much had changed since I used to ask for extra homework at school. Happy to say I can see what I am up to these days! :-)
I used to be a perfectionist, but realised that it was stopping me getting things done. I had to let go the need for my work to be perfect when back in 2005 the whole department I worked in was made redundant except for me. I was left trying to do as much as I could. I spent a whole year just putting out fires and reacting to situations trying not to have a nervous breakdown, rather than being able to have the luxury of getting things perfect. Somehow this cured me, and ever since then I’ve been happy to say ‘this is good enough’. Very freeing actually, and it means I get a lot more done. Once I realised I was the only one that needed it to be perfect, and what’s more I was never going to reach the giddy heights of my perfectionism it was easy to let go. Andrea
Wow, that sounds like a hard way to get cured but then it’s nice to be free of perfectionism, isn’t it? Thanks for your story. :-)
I’ve had my own issues with perfectionism, I’ve learned to let go of a lot of the little things that really don’t matter.
Thanks for sharing. Each little thing you let go of frees you a little more, doesn’t it?
I really like the Tole quote. It makes being human perfect. There is nothing to achieve or be other than alive. We are whole and complete being and the only thing to do is remove the much we attach to ourselves.
Yes! Absolutely! I love the way you put it, thank you.