Today marks a new beginning of sorts for me. My son, the Teenager, is home educated and has been for the last three and a half years. He has now reached school leaving age but is continuing with his education exactly as before, on a basis that is legally defined as “full time”. If he was continuing with school, or even if he was studying at home for A levels, the Revenue and the Child Benefit Office would consider him still in full time education and continue to pay me Child Benefit and Working Tax Credit. For reasons we can only speculate about, however, they choose to consider him no longer in full time education and therefore excuse themselves from continuing to pay those benefits. This means that, from today, I am roughly £440 a month worse off. Since I had trouble making ends meet before, this is a significant change.
What am I going to do? If I allow myself to be taken over by fear, I start to think that the only answer is to drop everything and go out to find full time employment. My family caring responsibilities, my own health issues, and supervising the Teenager’s continuing education make this an impossibility, however. I need to be braver than that.
I could get caught up in how unfair this situation is. I do think it’s unfair, but dwelling on that is only going to make things worse. I won’t give up on writing letters, telling my MP and generally trying to increase awareness, if not for us, then for the countless other families affected by this decision. But when I’m not actually writing a letter or otherwise engaged in this, I have no business thinking about the injustice of it all. I won’t make it a fight, and I refuse to complain. Then, I can’t lose, and I can’t feel sorry for myself. It’s also very important for me not to seek out sympathy. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because that would make it so much easier for me to wallow in self-pity. And I can’t afford that!
So. This morning I have written my gratitude list and done my meditation. I’m grateful to have woken up and that the sun is shining. I’m grateful for the money I do have in my account at the moment and the money that is flowing towards me right now. Meditating reminds me that I’m not really a mum, daughter, lawyer, mortgage payer etc etc; I’m a being. The conditions of my life are just things that happen along the way while I’m having this experience of being human; what is truly important for me is to remember that I have inside me pure existence, an essence that can never be harmed, whatever happens in my life. I can’t afford to get caught up in the soap opera of my life to the exclusion of that reality.
If you’ve read my occasional posts on how I deal with my Big Problem, you may be surprised to learn that this situation is not my Big Problem; it’s just a bolt-on extra! But I am so lucky to have done a lot of work analysing how I have thrived despite, or perhaps because of, that other crisis, because now I have a tool kit to use with my new crisis. I’ve done the gratitude, and I need to keep doing it all day. I’m practicing acceptance – “yes, this is happening”, I’m nodding my head, allowing it to be real. I’m staying as present as I can and disciplining my mind to stay positive and avoid brooding and worry. I’m feeling the feelings and trying to stay away from getting caught up in the story. There’s more, and I’m not averse to checking my own notes because even though it’s my own tool kit I can’t always remember what’s in it!
So on a practical level, now I need to get out of my own way and allow the stuff I can do from home to support us both. My legal practice is great but not enough on its own. The work comes and goes. I’ve been writing a lot for some time now and I think this is the push I need to get it right out there and start to find my own place in the published world. I only need to work at it a day (or an hour, or a minute) at a time and I don’t need to do it on my own. I have a wonderful support network and a very special mentor/coach, Lisa Clark. Plenty of people believe in me. All I have to overcome are my own demons. Watch out, world, here I come!
