Worrying won’t help, so I’m not doing it!

Subscribers to my newsletter will know that Alfie had to have an x-ray last week. They also know, from reading his regular column, that he wasn’t worried about it and he isn’t worried now. He’s got life sussed. It’s not quite so simple for us, though.

I had thought that we might learn he has dodgy hips and has to take glucosamine for life. I wasn’t prepared for the vet to tell me that his cruciate ligament has ruptured and caused the beginnings of arthritis in his knee. He’ll need surgery to repair the damage and stop the bones from malforming further.

Of course this was a bit of a shock and I noticed that I reacted quite emotionally. I don’t tend to cry but my body feels odd when I am emotional and I don’t remember so well what is said to me. What I did remember straight away, however, was that I have an anti-worry strategy and that I could employ it in this situation.

I need it because there are plenty of opportunities for worry in this situation: How much will it cost and will the insurance cover all of it? What will happen on the day of the op? Will there be complications? What will Alfie be like when he comes home, and for that matter, how long will he be at the vet’s? How will I feel? Will I have to miss work? Will the Teenager be able to deal with his medication etc if I’m not here? How will we manage to keep Alfie calm while he is getting better, given that he is normally so energetic and bouncy?

In order to avoid getting caught up in all of this, I’ve been asking myself questions:

What help do I need? I needed to talk to the vet, to ask questions and to ask for time to make decisions. I also needed to be in touch with friends who know more than I do about dogs and have been through this particular situation themselves. And I need to go on asking when I don’t understand anything or just need to talk with someone who has specialist knowledge. Just as importantly, I need my friends and family. I have needed to share what is going on and to say how I feel. And when the time comes for the op, I know I won’t be alone and will be able to voice my fears.

Am I looking after myself? I am no good to anyone if I neglect myself, and the answer to Alfie’s problems is not to put him first. He may be the one with the most drama going on at the moment, but he is a dog, not a person, and the rest of the family also needs me. My obligation is to take care of my health and other needs so I can be available and responsible when I am needed.

Can I accept this? The answer is, of course, that it is folly not to. I have said to myself, ‘yes, this is happening,’ and I have worked out the things that I can’t change and the things I can/should do something about.

What is there to be grateful for? Funnily enough, lots of things. I am grateful for the vet, that I noticed Alfie limping and made an appointment quickly, for the fact that he is insured and that I am self-employed so will be able to look after him when he needs post-op care. I have also noticed even more clearly what a wonderful dog he is and how much he deserves to be looked after and to get the right treatment.

Am I thinking too much? Luckily, this is a habit that I have largely discarded, but I also have to work to keep my head out of things except when it can make a constructive contribution. It helps enormously that I always have my ‘daily topic’ available to switch to if I find myself starting to worry, and I constantly remind myself that it’s not my job to do very much thinking here. I need to turn up and be responsible, and there are some decisions to be made, but the real thinkers are the vets, just as I am when I do my own job.

Am I right here, right now? Animals are amazing for reminding us to be present. They live in the here and now, so although their lives are relatively short, they don’t miss a thing. I could be seduced into wondering when the ligament was damaged, and whether I might have noticed symptoms earlier, and of course it would be really easy to project forward into the future to think about the operation and the rehab, which apparently will take about six months. All of that is totally useless and a huge waste of time, energy and attention. These days I choose to stay in the now and let the past and the future take care of themselves. Once, of course, I have dealt with any unfinished business and made any plans.

Have I remembered to meditate? This is an important part of my self-care and helps me to take stillness and silence into my day. I meditate most mornings and have little practices that I can use during the day as well. When there is any kind of crisis going on, it is even more important to make time simply to be, to connect with essence.

Am I living in my body or my head? Thinking too much used to keep all my attention above my shoulders. The journey to living in all of my being has been gradual, and in times of stress my automatic reaction can be to retreat back to my head. Gentle reminders during the day to be present in my whole self make a big difference. Also, for me, exercise is crucial; just because I’m not doing my usual dog walks it doesn’t mean I need to be less active. And when I find myself focussing on the ‘story,’ which always takes place in my head, I now know how to let my attention drop to the feelings and abandon the story. The more I practise, the easier it gets.

Am I playing and having fun? Alfie is ‘off games’ and can only go on gentle lead walks. Fun is one of his biggest values and he is sadly forbidden from running, jumping and wrestling for the time being. But there are gentle ways of having fun with him and it is also important to smile, laugh and enjoy myself generally during the day. I have learned a big lesson that we can still have plenty of fun even if there is a serious crisis on. It really helps to keep worry at bay, along with all the other aspects of my anti-worry approach.

What do I have to share? I know that I hold myself to a high standard in terms of not worrying because I talk and write about it all the time. If I went to a nutritionist who ate cake all the time, or a personal trainer who couldn’t be bothered to keep fit, I wouldn’t have faith in the advice they gave me. I am passionate about passing on the anti-worry message and so I need to show how it can be done. And this is a great opportunity to share the message in a practical way. It’s not a Big Problem; it’s an unexpected downturn, but it could still trigger worry and compulsive over-thinking. I won’t let that happen and I’m delighted to be able to share how I achieve that.